I have been thinking a lot about orbits.
The universe is full of bodies spinning around each other. From galaxies to quantum particles, everything revolves. At every scale of existence, there is the push-pull of gravity holding us close and dark energy pushing us away. In our lives on Earth too, there are people who enter our orbit and bonds which feel just as push-pull ambivalent.
I’ve been wondering whether to bring another person into my constellation, and I have been trawling the online dimensions to see what I could catch. There are some lovely men and women out there, and I’m sure I could have a relationship with many of them.
But at what cost to my peaceful transit around the sun?
It is my experience that the need-want black hole of relationships sips from the stability of my orbit until it wobbles and kilters off into the blackness.
I am subject to the needs of gravity pulling us closer and closer until every decision must be discussed and every movement catalogued. I am subject to the wants of dark energy pushing us into each other’s world to sample the things we never chose for ourselves. I am pulled toward the other person and I have to spend my fragile kinetic currency to keep myself and my identity intact. The inevitable imbalance of those two conflicting forces fractures my peace until the shuddering paroxysms are over and my orbit is released explosively into the ether.
And even then, it’s not over. The aftermath of the emotional violence sends shockwaves through the vacuum as I hurtle and drive into the fabric of my life, lost and spinning. I slam into anything in my path and destroy the beautiful balance of my universe with my bitter and wounded, selfish orb. These are the stories of my years.
My dog, Muttley is my moon. He rises in my sky and watches over me, deflecting the asteroids of my little universe. He orbits me and I orbit him. His mass moves my tides and calms my storms.
On my planet there is a boat on choppy seas, and I know now where to stand in balance on its prow. Muttley and I have learned how to share this boat and balance in tandem. Together we look across our seas as we scream through the spacetime before us. We dance together, bound in our love for cuddles and kibble.
Through endless sleepless nights and sofa cuddles, we have taught ourselves to orbit each other as we fall at 30km per second toward the future.
Another person would introduce complex dynamics into our simple little two-body problem. A new relationship would eclipse Muttley’s view of me, and me of him. The other person would bring his own moons and I would be lost beneath rings of competing noise. I made Muttley a promise when I rescued him and brought him onto my planet. I said that he would never be left alone again. His past would be wiped from his sky. That dog will never compete for my love nor wait for me to turn toward him. He had that in his first few years. No more.
I found myself making plans for a date the other day and I looked across at Muttley and saw the future twinkling in his patient brown eyes. The shutter of a decision gratefully made came down inside me and I severed the connection and came back to the world-verse I know.
Some might say I am being closed to the possibilities. Surely there might be a new type of person out there, just waiting to be caught in my path. A Black Swan might appear on my sea, the stars glinting on his feathers and his beak lifted to feel the canine moonlight. I am prepared for the possibility, but I’m not going to try to create it.
I have my universe, my moon and stars and that’s more than enough for a spacegirl like me.